


A Mirror of Myself

by counterspelll



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Friendship, Kissing, M/M, Talking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-15 10:00:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29682234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/counterspelll/pseuds/counterspelll
Summary: Caleb and Essek have a discussion.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 8
Kudos: 90





	A Mirror of Myself

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for episode 124. I just think that they should kiss.

The Mighty Nein exit Essek’s chambers one by one, all except Caleb. Beau shoots him a look. “Go, I’ll catch up in a moment,” Caleb answers. Beau’s eyes jump from Caleb to Essek back to Caleb and she wriggles her eyebrows in a suggestive fashion. Caleb is caught between a laugh and a scoff, so what comes out in some weird amalgamation of both. 

Essek focuses his gaze on Caleb now, though he still cannot look him directly in the eyes. “Was there something else?” He asks, his voice soft. 

“I wanted to speak with you for a moment, if that’s alright,” Caleb answers. 

“Of course.” With a small flourish of Essek’s hands, the door is closed once again. They are now alone, no one from outside able to hear them. 

Caleb grabs the side of his arm, scratching at it absently as he thinks how best to phrase what he wants to say. It is quiet for what feels like hours. The silence between them is a fragile thing that neither wants to break.

Finally, Caleb sighs. “I wanted to apologize for any harsh words I may have used. You have done much for us.”

Essek smiles, though his eyes are still sad. “Ah, well. I appreciate the sentiment. But I am aware that I have done terrible things. I’m not deserving of your trust. Or anyone’s. Don’t feel too remorseful,” he says. The distance from himself to Caleb is only a few feet. And yet, Essek feels the weight of it. It might as well be a canyon that separates them rather than empty air. 

“That’s the thing, isn’t it?” Caleb smiles to himself. “I have also done terrible things. And you— well, sometimes when I say a harsh word about you, it is meant for myself. What right have I to judge the things you have done? Looking at you is like seeing a reflection of myself. I see someone who has made mistakes and wants to change them. Someone who, like me, would give anything, _anything_ , to change them.” Caleb pauses, inhales. “We are more alike than not, and I think that is...difficult for me to accept.” 

Essek listens silently, his eyes on Caleb’s face only because Caleb is not looking at him. Then, he replies, “Both of us, well everyone in the world really, have sins we must bear. But I hope that does not mean we are not worthy of redemption.” 

Caleb’s eyes flick up to Essek’s now, meeting his gaze. Essek doesn’t flinch like he had been doing before. His golden stare levels with Caleb’s icy blue one. They stay like that for a while. Saying nothing, just looking at each other. Both afraid to even breathe lest the extra air push them away from the other again. 

Caleb moves first, closing the distance between them in an easy stride. Then, he hesitates. This could be a bad idea, an admission of weakness, an exposure of vulnerability. But looking at Essek still looking at him, he stops questioning right and wrong. He simply acts. Reaching out, he places a hand gently behind Essek’s head and pulls him in. Their lips meet. 

There is no hesitation on Essek’s part. He reaches out for Caleb, one arm wrapping around his waist while the other weaves through his hair. Had it gotten longer? Well, all that mattered was that it was something to hold on to. Kissing Caleb is...grounding. Images flash in his mind. Caleb asking him for help. Caleb and Essek studying late into the night together. Caleb learning so quickly the spells Essek taught. Caleb, broken by Essek’s betrayal. Caleb’s lips on his forehead. Caleb’s lips on his mouth, now. 

They part. Essek presses his forehead to Caleb’s. “This—,” he hesitates, chuckles to himself. “I am glad I got to do this before my sins catch up with me.” 

“For your sake and mine, I hope that they do not,” Caleb whispers. He presses another short kiss to Essek’s lips before releasing his grip and stepping away. As he makes his way for the door, Essek stops him with a hand on his arm.

“Should we survive this, I would very much like to do that again sometime,” Essek says. The door opens and he lets go. His dark skin gives no evidence of what had taken place inside. 

“Me as well.” Caleb exits, the door shuts behind him with a soft _click_. 

Caleb’s return to his group of friends goes mostly unnoticed. Jester is setting up for a scrying spell, Cadeucus is meditating, and the others are in various states of readying themselves for sleep. Beau, however, does remark on his absence. Because of course she does. 

“What’d you two talk about?” She asks. A grin is already plastered on her face. 

“Nothing of import.”

“Riiiiiight,” Beau says. She scoots up next to him and squints, examining his face. Something registers in her brain and she smirks.

Caleb is shaken by a powerful strike upon his back.

“I knew you had it in you, bud. Good for you.” Beau laughs. 

“Nothing happened,” Caleb insists, wincing from the pain of Beau’s show of friendship.

“Sure. And nothing happened between me and Yasha last night.”

“Beauregard, you are insufferable. Lucien was right about you.”

“Love you too, Caleb.”

Essek spends that night alone. His room now seems too big, too quiet. He wonders if Caleb is asleep yet. He chances a Message. 

_Goodnight, Caleb. I wish you and your friends a safe journey._

Silence, for a moment. Then, a reply:

_Gute nacht. Stay alive. _

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so extremely rusty, any kudos or kind comments will mean the world to me :')


End file.
